Re: I need help!! Could you, please, revise my Personal Statement!! :)

Posted by Tim Luo on 2008/4/16 0:06:16
Marian,

Quite a long article for most to read. Basically only a few people here are native speakers of English, so there's no need to specify this part. Your article is quite well-written, thus I will only give some pointers.

[Paragraph Two]
Since obtaining a Master's degree in graduate study....., I do not want to make compromises on the quality of my education. On account of that I researched extensively,.... The information gathered was good enough to understand...

[Paragraph Three]
It has piqued my interest... my inclination towards business began from an early age.... I began to assist him in dealing with family business and accompanied him to business meetings.....
to selling jewellery/jewelry,....
I believe these were extremely useful and serve as insightful experiences into the world of business.

I will continue with the remaining parts later. Besides, I recommend you making some of the details shorter. For example, you might just say "how he conducted his business (activities)" instead of "how he was working, talking with colleagues and negotiating.

Tim

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