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Please help me revise my personal statement
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Personal Statement


My name is _________. I was born on July XX, 1XXX ,in Taichung, Taiwan, Republic of China. I was raised in a family of five members; my parents put great efforts into giving their children a home filled with love, that is, I had a happy memory about my childhood.

In Taichung, I received my early education ,six years in primary school, three years in junior high school and three years in senior high school. After completing the 12 years of formal education, I was admitted to National xxxx xxxx University. I majored in Chemical Engineering. There were three factors for my decision went as follows.


First of all, since my childhood I quite interested in cosmetics and Facial Products. In my leisure time, I would read some books about the principle of cosmetic. Besides, I even used them to doing some experiments. For example, I often mixed two different functional facial cleaning forms to test whether this mixture could become more effective or not. Second, I enjoyed chemistry and math so much and I often excelled in these courses during my years in high school. Last but not latest, when it came to chemical engineers, some people might regarded them as pollutant makers. However, I had opposite view about that. As the Chinese proverb went, “Whoever started the trouble should end it.”I thought the people who engaged in this field were not a trouble maker but a savior. It was mainly because many pollution problems still needed the chemical engineer to solve .Therefore; the chemical engineer would keep playing an important role in the future. With this believe, I determined to studying in this department.


During the two years in NxxU, besides academic studies, I also devoted my leisure time to associations and sport. I participated in the dancing club. Through the club, I understood many kinds of dances and known how to dance. In addition to join associations, I also spent much time on exercising. I enjoyed exercising to the point of perspiration in the fitness center. This was because I believe the more health body, the more knowledge we could learn. What’s more, I found exercise not only could keep my sharp but also could stimulate my innovation. Above all, it was a vital factor for me to motivate myself to take up a variety of challenge in the future.

Considering my future goal is to get my bachelor's degree. If possible, I would like to get a master's degree or a PhD degree from an American University in the field of Chemical Engineering. Upon obtaining my Master degree or PhD degree, I will return to Taiwan to serve my people and country. As for my future career, I wish to contribute what I have learned in the United State to the field of Chemical Engineering in Taiwan.

Posted on: 2008/1/8 22:10
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Re: Please help me revise my personal statement
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From Taipei, 大羅天
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You should pay more attention to tenses. Oftentimes there's no need to use the past tense if you are simply talking about facts. I tried not to change the flow of your idea. You might consider changing things to the present tense as these things are still true now. Tense switching is kind of weird after all.


The following is the revision. Would others chip in too?

Tim

My name is _________. I was born on July XX, 1XXX ,in Taichung, Taiwan, Republic of China. I was raised in a family of five members; my parents put great efforts into giving their children a home filled with love, that is, I have a happy memory about my childhood.

In Taichung, I received my early education ,six years in primary school, three years in junior high school and three years in senior high school. After completing the 12 years of formal education, I was admitted to National xxxx xxxx University. I majored in Chemical Engineering. There are three factors for my decision, went as follows.


First of all, since my childhood I have been quite interested in cosmetics and Facial Products. In my leisure time, I would read some books about the principles of cosmetics. Besides, I even used them to doing some experiments. For example, I often mixed two different functional facial cleaning forms together to test whether this mixture could become more effective or not. Second, I enjoyed chemistry and math so much and I often excelled in these courses during my years in high school. Last but not least, when it comes to chemical engineers, some people might regarded them as pollutant makers. However, I have the opposite view about that. As the Chinese proverb goes, “Whoever started the trouble should end it.” I thought the people who engaged in this field were not a trouble makers but a saviors. It was mainly because many pollution problems still needed the chemical engineer to solve. Therefore; the chemical engineer would keep playing an important role in the future. With this belief, I determined to studying in this department.


During the two years in NxxU, besides academic studies, I also devoted my leisure time to associations and sport. I participated in the Dancing Club. Through the club, I understood many kinds of dances and knew how to dance. In addition to joining associations, I also spent much time on exercising. I enjoyed exercising to the point of perspiration in the fitness center. This was because I believe the more healthier the body is, the more knowledge we could learn. What’s more, I found exercise not only could keep me sharp but also could stimulate my innovation. Above all, it was a vital factor for me to motivate myself to take up a variety of challenges in the future.

Considering My future goal is to get my master's degree. So if possible, I would like to get a master's degree or a PhD degree from an American University in the field of Chemical Engineering. Upon obtaining my Master's degree or PhD degree, I will return to Taiwan to serve my people and country. As for my future career, I wish to contribute what I have learned in the United State to the field of Chemical Engineering in Taiwan.

Posted on: 2008/1/9 11:26
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Re: Please help me revise my personal statement
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the last line: United State ——〉 United States

Posted on: 2008/1/9 17:45
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