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I need help!! Could you, please, revise my Personal Statement!! :)
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Hello, everybody!!

I am not a native English speaker and I would be very thankful if you help me to make my Personal Statement better! I know its too long, but can't decide what to remove in order to make it shorter!

Thank you all in advance I will appreciate very much your help!

Dear Sir or Madam,

Hereby I would like to express my keen interest in X University, and particularly in the Master program in Entrepreneurship and Strategy.

Since graduate study in obtaining a Master’s degree is an important step in my professional life, I do not want to make compromise on the quality of my education. In account of that I made a broad research, talked with alumni from different universities, and had conversations with the representatives at the International Education Fair in Y and World Education Fair in Y. The gathered information was good enough to understand that when it comes to quality education, (I have no doubt that) your University is the appropriate one for me, since it provides the right academic climate and a unique mix of educational advantages.

The Master’s degree program I have chosen – Entrepreneurship and Strategy, is not an accidental choice. It has provoked my interest because it falls within an area I am planning to improve myself in future. I come from a family background where everybody has its own businesses or work in the field of commerce. Being a daughter of an entrepreneur who is running an export company for the past 15 years, my inclination towards business began from early age. As a child I often went with my father to his office and spent hours watching how he was working, talking with colleagues and negotiating. At the age of sixteen, I began to assist him to deal with family business and accompanied him in business meetings. In addition to my help, I have always been keen on pursuing my own ideas and putting them into action for making money, from selling my lunch to my peers at age of seven; dusting the houses of my neighbours and walking their dogs at age of ten; to selling jewelleries, hand made by me, at age of fifteen. I could say it is in my blood and entrepreneurial activities have always been more than a hobby to me, but a way of life. I believe this were an extremely useful and a hugely insightful experiences into the world of business. They instilled in me the desire to own and manage my own business someday and from then on I knew I wanted to take my interest further

To gain a wider understanding of the business world, I enrolled in the Administrative and Business Management study course during my secondary education, where I have certainly absorbed the interest and fascination of how business and commerce works and I have developed a sound interest in economics. Therefore the prospect of being able to assert myself in business practice and intensify my passion for economics has led me to apply for a Bachelor’s degree in Economics with specialization in Trade. During my higher education so far, I have developed general problem-solving skills. The course has sharpened my ability to research independently, to analyze critically and to feel confident about tackling unfamiliar problems and debating issues with others.( It enabled me to develop the ability to formulate coherent argument and present it properly. This program not only broadened my horizon in academic field, but also helped me to develop the ability to plan my own work). In addition, my creativity, leadership, communication and presentation skills have been developed by doing all kinds of assignments, practices, projects and presentations. (Along with the skills I learned, the capacity of digesting large amounts of material quickly and being able to summarize effectively, stands out.)

I have had a work experiences that further enhance my qualifications for this program. Thus far, I have had the fortune of working in Y and the USA. Through my entire work experience I have learned to communicate effectively, to be a good a team-player and to work accurately under pressure.

While working as an administrative assistant in the Association of Advertising Agencies (AAA) in, besides my daily office duties, I participated in the organisation of six in total National Advertising Forums and Festivals, where I developed my organisation and problem-solving skills. I learnt to manage my time effectively and meet deadlines.
The time I spent in USA I worked at three national famous companies, one of them renowned worldwide, namely Dunkin Donuts. I had the chance to develop my self-confidence and independence, as well to became aware that the development of a good strategic plan is essential to the achievement of organisational goals.

Apart from my work experience, I have traveled a lot through Europe and major cities in USA. Comparing the lifestyles in each of the countries I have been, has helped me appreciate the difference in societies and the importance of adapting and integrating into each culture. My ability to integrate easily in foreign communities has provided me with the confidence to anticipate and even enjoy challenges abroad – a capability that could only benefit my future endeavors.

Given the confluence of my personal and professional interests, I have crystallized (set) my own goals. Attending a Master's program in Entrepreneurship and Strategy and will smooth the path to fulfill them. My life-long (or ultimate) professional goal is to carry on the business established by my father and develop it further by reaching much greater heights in scope, expanse, technology; boosting the company’s performance and maximizing the business results. To accomplish this goal, however, I must deepen my knowledge of/in Entrepreneurship, Strategy, Economics of Organisations, and Innovation. My education will be a valuable necessity in my plans of moving the company to the next level. (This will ultimately help me provide vital contributions to society and work in a way to expedite the advancement and betterment of my country.) Moreover, Y became a member of the European Union and as an EU country, there is a need of knowledgeable professionals who will assist the country in handling the requirements of the Union and stabilizing its economy. I would like to be a part of that process.

In my free time my interests and ambitions involve learning new things such as learning about different cultures and their lifestyles. I enjoy reading, keep updated with the news around the world, going out with my friends and making juwelleries. In near future I have a big interest in learning the Z languages and improve the ones I already know.

Your university provides the ideal business course, in my chosen subject area, which prepares for entering the business world. I know that attending X University will provide me with the foundation to fully realize my educational and career goals. I am confident that I have the necessary combination of self-motivation, background, personality and academic knowledge to succeed in the Master’s degree program.

Thank you in advance for considering my application. It would be a great pleasure and honor for me if given a chance to pursue further studies at your highly esteemed university.


Yours sincerely,

Posted on: 2008/4/14 21:22
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Re: I need help!! Could you, please, revise my Personal Statement!! :)
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From Taipei, 大羅天
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Marian,

Quite a long article for most to read. Basically only a few people here are native speakers of English, so there's no need to specify this part. Your article is quite well-written, thus I will only give some pointers.

[Paragraph Two]
Since obtaining a Master's degree in graduate study....., I do not want to make compromises on the quality of my education. On account of that I researched extensively,.... The information gathered was good enough to understand...

[Paragraph Three]
It has piqued my interest... my inclination towards business began from an early age.... I began to assist him in dealing with family business and accompanied him to business meetings.....
to selling jewellery/jewelry,....
I believe these were extremely useful and serve as insightful experiences into the world of business.

I will continue with the remaining parts later. Besides, I recommend you making some of the details shorter. For example, you might just say "how he conducted his business (activities)" instead of "how he was working, talking with colleagues and negotiating.

Tim

Posted on: 2008/4/16 0:06
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