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Re: If you're in a bad mood... [by montanius]

Sun, 22 Dec 2013 00:11:05 +0800

Jokes （笑話）:: If you're in a bad mood...
He-he, Dagege, we did not want to hurt your deepest feelings...

Anyway, it'd be a great adventure to cross Russia to the Amur and enter Heilongjiang there... In summer, there are less polar bears around that time...

Quote:

lericow wrote:
Okay, okay ... I look my movies about students of engineering science alone ...

Dashushu, ... go to your Siberian marathons and hop around the Polar Bears, if that brings you more fun!

Ignorant bunch! No feeling for true art, aaah~~~~

Re: Knock knock jokes [by Round]

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 22:34:17 +0800

Jokes （笑話）:: Knock knock jokes
Many people are the fan of knock knock jokes. Also i am the fan of knock knock jokes. Thank you for sharing these knock knock joke. Please tell me more knock knock jokes. I want to hear your knock knock jokes.

YIKES!!! [by Tim Luo]

Tue, 27 Dec 2011 11:00:32 +0800

Jokes （笑話）:: YIKES!!!
From Futari.

Get it here.

the blue suit [by futari]

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 01:08:33 +0800

Jokes （笑話）:: the blue suit
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blond says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

How to spend a Jewish X'mas [by futari]

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 01:06:04 +0800

Jokes （笑話）:: How to spend a Jewish X'mas
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus". Then we all go to the Bahamas."

內部文件 [by futari]

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 00:55:43 +0800

Jokes （笑話）:: 內部文件
內容未經証實，就當笑話看吧！

公安局對異性發生性關係後的給錢時間做出了界定標準：

完事後就給的爲嫖娼；

一周後給的是性伴侶；

按月給的爲情人；

按季定量給的是包養；

全年都給的爲二奶；

終生不懈給的是老婆；

從來不給的是紅顔知己。

忠告：務必把握好給錢的時間，否則性質不同，處理結果迥異！

The wine taster [by futari]

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 00:48:00 +0800

Jokes （笑話）:: The wine taster
At a wine merchant's cellar, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees; requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct. Another glass then."

"It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," said the drunk, calmy.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

Irish Math Test [by futari]

Sun, 4 Dec 2011 16:27:50 +0800

Jokes （笑話）:: Irish Math Test
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Irishman is the new supervisor.

Life in the Australian Army ... (and learn some Aussi dialects) [by futari]

Sun, 4 Dec 2011 15:44:22 +0800

Jokes （笑話）:: Life in the Australian Army ... (and learn some Aussi dialects)
---------------------------------------------
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan
-----------------------------------------------

("youse" = yous = youz = you fella); used when referring /addressing to two or more people.

differences [by futari]

Sun, 4 Dec 2011 15:13:02 +0800

Jokes （笑話）:: differences
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. ........

I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck ........

Folks, we're screwed.